the toxicity of our city

Breaking news or actuall news that's heart-breaking: "breaking up of sleeping with sirens".I swear that was such a heart attack when I only read it :C ATM Im listening to Toxicity by SOAD.Must say Im not in a mood for analysis and interpretation of the lyrics,but well some parts are just TOO real.
(Btw decided to write smth in english,not really demanding english,I guess im not that good to use many words I have to study a little harder,got used to the level I was at and it was always more than enough for A...and now its less than C.Thats good to be honest)

However,back to lyrics and according to "The toxicity of our city".It's not about the physical aspect like all the polution in air or water cause of lots of cars and so on...Its about the toxicity of city life which is like a freakin monster.Thought I would be happy there,must say I am.Some days I really am,but not always.Miss the solitude in my town,here I have smth more like isolation...I loose.
I've lost closest friends as they stayed in my town,I've lost my sister.I have lost a boyfriend(who's an idiot now so thats good for me,not for him B| ).I have lost best friend cause of shit on her 18th b-day party AND THATS GOOD,if someone's gonna leave you they will anyway.

I loose everything.I loose control...I never had one.Im not prepared to swim on that kind of depth.
SOOOOO.... `Should I sink or swim or simply dissapear?`

That is a question I try to answer.And it never works.
If I stay Im definately going down...My grades arent best now,but on the other hand whats important? Grades or knowledge? Grades have nothing to do with real knowledge and abbilities someone has actually...Cause its easy to see now that one grade isnt equivalent the other esp. when people are from different schools.Anyway...pre-IB gives me a lot,already thought me things I'd never knew if I was in "normal" class.Paper 1 is extremally amazing thing,though its not the easiest thing to write.

However,I should of analyze staying and leaving:
So,staying:

+money
+malls
+new friends
+good level of education
-scared of not getting to IB
-dorm

back:
+friends
+better people
+cheaper
-no money for me
-no option to go to mall
-worse education(would be best in class again ;/)
-polish exams and education system
-may not get to good class
+sister
+my solitude
+sleeping at daytime


well its so hard :C
I really dont know,maybe wait whole that year...but then I may loose a year of polish school and if i wont get to IB i may not get to high school in my town and will stuck maybe studying to be a hairdresser or smth...thats a shit ;/

Thats the DISORDER,DISORDER,DISORDER in my life...im a mess.